Saturday, April 7, 2012

Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together!

Theme song of this post is courtesy of Disney's Beauty and the Beast:

"Gosh it disturbs me to see you Gaston, looking so down in the dumps..."

My moping and coping mechanisms as of late have involved eating bad things (Reese's McFlurries are a favorite) and shopping on Amazon. Now that I don't swim any more, the swimsuit fund goes to cute dresses. I even splurged on a $98 dress. WHOA NOW. But it was so cute, and I have at least 3 weddings to attend this summer, and my size was THE LAST ONE IN STOCK! I HAD TO HAVE IT!!! "Only 1 left in stock--order soon!" it pleaded at me. And heck, it was originally $245. Click. Purchased!

Super cute, right?! Well, that will be the last of the shopping binge. I had already bought 3 other dresses, a little rainbow Hurley backpack, and a Speed Racer "mighty wallet."

"Gaston, you've got to pull yourself together!"

So, I am actively on the road to pulling myself back together. I know life is really not that bad. I've got a delightful little Christmas puppy, a Sherpa who has always been supportive and understanding of whatever I want to do, a cool job and cool bosses and coworkers. I am also demonstrating significant improvement in race walking, and physical therapy on the bum knee is going really well. I just need to shake myself out of this funk; give it some time to run its course but at the same time try to make it pass as quickly as I can.

So the moping and coping mechanisms need to transition from destructive behaviors (by that I mean, destructive to the waistline or the wallet) to more productive behaviors. I am banning myself from buying anything unnecessary for the next month or two. I'm taking Socks to the dog park to give us both some endorphins and sunshine. Blogging out my thoughts to get me through this little speedbump.

"Every guy here'd like to be you, Gaston, even when taking your lumps."

Yesterday, I got another haircut from Steven's Magic Hairbrush (he's the Korean barber who works in the same building as us--Asians know Asian hair!), because new haircuts are good for new beginnings. I think he snipped off the last of the bleached areas that once contained crazy color highlights.

"There's no one in town as admired by you, you're everyone's favorite guy."

I also finally finished my taxes. I started them in January but freaked out and completely procrastinated, as my untaxed freelance writing income meant I owed the IRS big bucks. Mr. Miyagi assured me that I was allowed to have a business that lost money for 3 years in a row, so I was able to offset that income with my huge net loss from the business of being a pro triathlete. I had the intent to make a profit, and circumstances out of my control put a damper on this (i.e. races getting cancelled and minivans staying out of my way). Suddenly a big refund looks like it will be taking care of the aforementioned Amazon shopping binge, and things are starting to look up!

"Everyone's awed and inspired by you, and it's not very hard to see why..."

Friday, April 6, 2012

floating across Eeyore Land

I know this is a temporary, and I know this too, shall pass. But I'm stuck in a funk that's hit me somewhat unexpectedly. Last you heard, I was in Atlanta and have been meaning to blog about what a great time I had, and how cool it was to reunite with my ATL best friends who I hadn't seen in over 5 years (which I know, doesn't make me a very good friend, does it?) and watch the Hunger Games with them, AND network with all my old classmates and colleagues and instructors, AND check out the cool new building that the MSPO program got constructed.

For a few consecutive days, I felt like a broken record. To most of the people in my profession, I had basically fallen off the face of the O&P world and had to keep explaining where I'd been the last 4, 5, 6 years since graduating (2006) or finishing residency (2008). Some knew I had gone off to become a pro triathlete. Some kept asking "So you're back in the country now?" Hardly anyone knew I had been in a car accident and had decided to retire from triathlons recently, but then there were the surprising few who had avidly followed all my adventures via the teamTBB blog (which BTW is back up) or Facebook.

I thought I was feeling okay, then I came back home and back in the real world, the "normal" life, a higher patient load than usual (we've been extra busy) and a strange taste in my mouth (not literally). The whole reunion aspect was a reminder of who I used to be, who I had become, and who I no longer am.

I have an extremely strong aversion to settling for being ordinary and despise being referred to as "normal." I feel like I used to do these epic things on a monthly, weekly, maybe even daily basis. I feel akin to a superhero that's been stripped of all her superpowers. Some days I feel like I'm adjusting well to this huge life change, and other days (maybe weeks...) I struggle.

I know it will pass. I do have my next big goal and Stage 2 of the Master Plan has been under way for over a week now, but in the meantime, I am caught in this strange purgatory-esque in-between phase where Eeyore trumps Tigger, again and again. Instead of the other way around. I know I am also suffering from endorphin withdrawal. I used to manage the Eeyore-ness with ridiculous amounts of exercise, which I don't have the time or desire for any more.

You know what else doesn't help? People (i.e. internet strangers) who continue to harass me about my decisions regarding triathlon and race walking. You know what? I know race walking is not as glamorous as triathlons and Ironman. (Oh, but the Olympics are, more so.) Please do NOT refer to it as "powerwalking" or "speedwalking." You realize that is akin to calling a runner a "jogger" or spelling triathlon "triathalon" or thinking that all triathlons are Ironmans. People (i.e. internet strangers) think "oh, I'm just teasing a little" but if you were to add up all the times people (i.e. internet strangers) make unsupportive comments that get under my skin, you will find that I have a lot of anger and rage seething inside of me, and I feel really bad for whoever is going to get punched one of these days.

I find myself having less and less tolerance for idiots and jerks, to the point where I sometimes don't see the point of blogging, tweeting or Facebooking any more, so I don't have to deal with people who think they know me better than I know myself. Which would be really a shame, because there are also a ton of you out there who ARE very supportive and understanding, and I am grateful for that.

Anyway. Excuse my Dark Side. But don't be all that surprised. I tend not to blog when I'm feeling depressed, because I find it contagious, and would rather be upbeat and happy all the time. But it's also exhausting to pretend you are happy all the time...when you are not.