Becoming who you want to be.

This may come as a surprise to some of you who don't know me in real life, or I guess in my previous real life. My online persona has always been more confident and outspoken than I really am, and definitely much more than I used to be.

Being home this week, I've been catching up with friends who knew me when I was in residency (pre-teamTBB 4 years ago), in college, and all the way back to high school, middle school, and elementary school. Oh, and let's not stop there--my family members that really knew me when I was an awkward and gangly pre-teen, and a chubby little toddler. I've also tapped into my old laptop (actually my first laptop) from post-college as I never backed up those files. (Somewhere in the world, the Sherpa is screaming and he's not sure why...) These days kids get laptops in elementary schools. CRAZY.

Suffice it to say, I've unintentionally had some time to reflect on who I used to be and how much I've changed and grown up. It's never been as striking as when I read through some private journal entries I wrote over 8 years ago, at the ripe old age of 22. I was in my "year off" in between finishing college and applying to graduate schools, trying to figure out what I wanted to do next.

How did I change? I made myself. A little bit of a time capsule from...

12:10am, Friday, December 19, 2003 (more like Thursday night)

I realized today as I ordered a hamburger and fries at Elephant Bar…

“I want to be the girl that can order a hamburger and fries whenever she damn well pleases.”  Why shouldn’t I be able to order a hamburger and fries whenever I damn well please?  It’s just that I’ve been so neurotic and obsessive about…everything I guess, from stuff I eat, to wondering too much what a certain guy is thinking, and reading too much into things.

I realized…

The Girl That I Want to Become and

The Girl That I Am Right Now are two different people.

The Girl That I Want to Become is very independent, doesn’t care much for what others think, is not easily manipulated, is very adventurous and goes on a lot of adventures by herself and with others, isn’t afraid of making mistakes, eats whatever she wants, is beautiful on the inside and out, isn’t afraid to ask for help, is very strong physically-mentally-and-emotionally, and is very happy.  The happiest she ever is, is the happiness she feels every day.  She’s got life figured out, isn’t so anal about everything, always does her best and hopes for the best.

The Girl That I Am Right Now can’t really get around by herself, depends on others (especially mommy), has eating issues and obsessions, is scared of a lot of things, sometimes gets too needy (yech), isn’t happy with the current state of affairs, is often wishing she were somewhere else, and feels lost, like she needs to find herself.  Wonders too much about what a certain guy thinks, reads into things and obsesses way too much, has her whole day revolve around things she can’t control.  Sometimes she feels she can’t even control her own life, hasn’t figured it out yet.

Another year begins in a week and a half; my goal for the coming year is to become The Girl That I Want to Become.  I believe thinking about this Girl every day, and striving to become her, will help me improve myself bit by bit, so that I become basically a whole different person by the time I leave for graduate school.  Of course, the two Girls aren’t completely so different--there is definitely some overlap.  Maybe it sounds a bit materialistic, but this new laptop and finally acquiring my own car (it’s beautiful!) will be helping me forge the path to my independence at last.  At 22, I wouldn’t say it’s about damn time, but it is about a rather damn good time and as good a time as any.

The hilarious part is that 8+ years ago, that "new laptop" is now a total dinosaur. It's sooo heavy and slow! The battery is so dead that it can only be powered up with the cord plugged in, and it overheats easily so the very noisy fan is going full blast. I actually took this with me to my first teamTBB camp in fall of 2008, so it lasted me a good 5 years. Similarly, that beautiful new car (it was a '93 Chevy Lumina Z34 coupe, pictured above during spring break 2005) lasted me through my adventures in Atlanta and Dallas before it went kaput. One of the side mirrors was held up with duct tape and the radiator kept leaking, so I'd refill it before I drove anywhere. I wasn't able to scam anyone on Craigslist into buying it, and really excited that CarMax gave me $500 for it!

We did in fact go on many adventures together, me, that laptop, and my first car. (I didn't get my driver's license until I was 21.) Have I become The Girl That I Want to Become? It took me much more than those 8 months in between that journal entry and when I left for graduate school. Some of those things I've even struggled with very recently--not obsessing over everything that I eat, and being very happy. I wouldn't say I've got my life figured out, but I'm pretty close.

For the most part, when I re-read that post 8 years later, I wanted to go back in time and hug my 22-year-old self. Tell her things would get better, but I think she knew that. Because she was on the right track, and she had a plan. She knew who she wanted to become, and she went after it fervently.

The Wongstar presents: the New Rules of Training

I'm home in the 94044 for Chinese New Year and wrote a batch of blog drafts while on the 6-hour flight. So let's see how this "batch blogging" goes in terms of update frequency. When you're inspired, you're inspired!


This particular post was inspired by a variety of things, including self-reflection, a comment from the mentor and friend formerly known as Coach Beck, and my current reading of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. Beck had mentioned regarding one of my last posts: "the novelty of being lazy/not training wears off, then you truly (re)discover how to enjoy your exercise..."

As you know, one of the reasons I decided to stop racing triathlons, or even swim/bike/running was that it became a source of unhappiness for me. A combination of my knee injury, frustrations with the sport, and it's evolution into an obligation. I had once set out goals for myself in the sport, which I had achieved and surpassed, and then later on, let too many other people influence what I had originally wanted out of triathlon.

So I had a nice break from an exercise regimen. And like the hoards of "normal people," starting working out again practically every day when 2012 struck. I was surprised how much I enjoyed going to Fusion Fitness before work every morning. I think most triathletes can't stand being on "cardio machines"--the elliptical or the treadmill--but I'm kind of liking it. Maybe it's because it's pretty cold outside in the mornings. I do the elliptical sort of as my easy days as an alternative to spinning on the bike. And I really like race walking on the treadmill, it's like having a push from a friend to help me get a higher turnover.

Yeah, nothing beats starting your morning before work than a nice sweaty workout. And I always make sure I stretch afterwards, something I neglected in the TBB years because Brett wasn't a fan. But I've noticed I'm pretty tight in the right hamstring (the side my knee was hurt) and so I'm back to doing the full line of stretches we did in high school track, minus the Westmoor Rams jumping jacks.

So without further ado, my new rules of training:

1. Only swim with friends. I won't swim by myself, because I don't feel like it. But I might start swimming again with Mac's squad when that starts up on Wednesday mornings.

2. Racewalk lessons once (maybe even twice) a week--depending on me and Mr. Miyagi's schedules.

3. Racewalk 5x/week. This includes the 2x/week on the treadmill at Fusion.

4. Strength training: assisted pull-ups twice a week, core stuff twice a week.

5. Only bike when the weather is nice outside. By spring time, my knee should feel better and I can venture outdoors again. See how the PTSD is doing.

6. Daily walks with the puppy and a dedicated trip to the dog park on the weekend. She comes home next Friday!!! The hard-core athletes may sneer at me for including easy walks and fun playtime in my "training" but I think of it as active recovery and exercise for the soul.

Yup, that's it. When it gets warmer again, I want to do my easy walks in my Vibrams and maybe do a longer hike on the trails with them. For now, it's cold and I'm not keen to get frostbite in my feet.

There are still those who don't understand why I want to get into race walking instead of tris or just running. I actually find it insulting that people are still asking me, "Why don't you just run?" Firstly, my knee got effed up and I haven't able to run more than an hour without it flaring up (I feel like such a broken record sometimes). Nextly, I just don't want to run and I don't really care what you think I should or shouldn't do. I know race walking is completely unglamorous compared to triathlon or even running. So what. I'm liking it and I'll do what I want.

doors of happiness

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens,

but often we look so long at the closed door

that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."

--Helen Keller

I will neither confirm nor deny the rumors of my triathlon retirement.

Let's just say:

1. I am starting to see another open door.
2. 2012 is the last year of eligibility for my triathlon pro license.
3. I have no intention to sign up for any triathlons next year.

Be true to who you are.

I bought this giant canvas print at Target. I kept walking away, because it was sort of expensive, but I kept coming back. I probably did this like 5 times while I was there.

Pretty much every line in there goes along with what I believe in. This injury has really forced me to step back and re-evaluate what I want to do next, after being on autopilot with triathlon for so many years. I was surprised at what the voice inside of me said, once I started listening...

I've definitely been doing the whole "DREAM BIG" thing with "FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS" and "NEVER GIVE UP" ...but....

...right now I am having some trouble with "BE HAPPY".

The "DO WHAT YOU LOVE" has become a challenge, as well as "BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE".

But, this is my life, and I only get one. I would very much like to "MAKE EVERY MOMENT COUNT".

It might be time to "TRY NEW THINGS" and "EMBRACE CHANGE".

Knee Knews

My knee is getting better! And my first swim was awesome! Even though working in the field of prosthetics and orthotics makes me appreciate the ability to swim, bike & run more than most people, having these crash injuries multiplies that much much more! I won't be taking those abilities for granted any time soon.

I saw Dr. Jannelli, my "body mechanic," on Weds and he pushed my medial meniscus back in its place. It's already feeling loads better. (Pun intended! bwaha!) He thinks it just shifted and isn't torn or something awful. We're also playing with some kinesiotape. Range of motion with weight bearing is coming back, slowly but surely!

He always has a container of little dark chocolates at the reception desk which also makes my body feel better! Sometimes they (the chocolates) even tell you motivational messages. :D

As for cycling, I thought the indoor biking was over when the snow melted, but I am back at it and making good use of my Delaware library card. Now that I've been a member over 6 months, I have full grown-up privileges, which means I can borrow up to 10 DVD's at a time instead of just 3 (the peewee membership). I started watching the Sarah Connor Chronicles with Summer Glau as a good-guy Terminator. Ever since Firefly, I'll watch anything with Summer Glau. Dude, she's super hot and kicks major ass!!!